Throughout the year, I listen to you. I try to anticipate your desires and make notes of things you find charming or funny. I monitor your wardrobe to see if you need more sweaters/socks/cologne/t-shirts with funny pictures. I watch you to see if there are ways I can make your life easier, more fascinating or just a little sparklier. I keep my ear to the ground and read catalogs and websites in hopes of finding items that would make you smile when you unwrap them. I love you and want you to be happy. It’s a beautiful time of the year, and doubly so because it is your birthday and the general holiday season.
But if you continue to tell me “there’s nothing I need” and then go out and buy yourself trinkets in the months and weeks leading up to the end of December, I will shank you with a Christmas angel and hide your body in the evergreens.
(Please feel free to modify as appropriate for your own loved ones. Happy Holidays!)