I hate talking about weight. I hate talking about diets, and working out, and I’ve never been the kind of girl to stand around in front of friends complaining that I look so fat, or that I ate too much salad and now feel bloated. I don’t do it for a few reasons:
- It’s unhealthy to discuss weight and food and negative self-talk so much.
- I find it super boring.
- On some level, I think I’ve hoped that if I don’t mention my weight, somehow no one will notice it.
I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. I have flirtations with the gym, and I’ve had (non-lasting) success on Weight Watchers. Sometimes I get angry at myself, or I hate the way I look and other times? I’ve made peace with it. I support Fat Acceptance, and have convinced myself that despite my size, I’m healthy.
I can’t really continue this charade.
Despite having been treated for a thyroid disorder for about 10+ years, I’ve never seen an endocrinologist. Not intentionally, not really. I just let my GP handle my medication and check my blood work and never thought twice about it. But, I saw an office, literally the building in front of my subway stop that had both a GP (I clearly need a new one) and an endocrinologist. Score one for the super lazy girl! So, I finally made an appointment with the endo. The good news is that with treatment, all of my hormone levels are okay. She did find two nodules on my thyroid (I had a sonogram), but she says they’re tiny. We’ll follow up in six months to check for growth. But, the good news is that my blood sugar levels are normal, an EKG was totally normal, and my blood pressure is stellar.
The bad news? I’m heavier than I have ever been in my life. And I’ve been hovering at this weight, and I don’t even know how I got this heavy in the first place. Shit, I don’t know how I got this heavy 35 lbs. ago.
I’m really freaked out and unhappy about it. I knew I wasn’t doing the “right” things, but I didn’t realize how far I had slipped from healthy eating and exercise habits.
And worse? My cholesterol is high. Like, terrifyingly extremely high.
Why am I discussing this all now?
I have to do something. And what I’ve been doing hasn’t been working. I can’t handle this all on my own, and yet — I’m totally not motivated to do what I know I need to be doing (tracking, exercising, etc.). But – I’m going to. I have a terrifying family health history, and I want to break this cycle.
Weight is one thing – people come in all sizes and shapes. Fat doesn’t have to mean unhealthy. But this cholesterol number? That’s unhealthy. Yes, I know that skinny people can have high numbers too – but I’m pretty sure this is food-related. And I don’t “feel” healthy.
So, if you are on MyFitnessPal – be my “friend” and let’s motivate one another! And I should probably note that I’ve signed up (a few weeks ago) for the Color Run 5k on July 7th. Whether I actually “run” or just jog/briskly walk — that’s up for debate. But I will finish it, and I won’t be plotzing at the end.
I’ll be checking in again, monthly, to let you all know how much I’ve lost. And I’ll figure out a new GP (I need one anyway) and give you an updated cholesterol number.
Also, and this may be awkward – but if you know me in person? I really don’t want to discuss this face-to-face. So, if you must comment — keep it to the internet. If I want to bring it up, I will!