Category Archives: Friends, Family and S.O.’s

Sunday Brain Dump

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For the past few months, I’ve wanted to write. I have ideas for posts, I semi-draft them on my phone and I promise myself they’ll make an appearance. Last week I actually even took the time to start “drafts” for each of the ideas, hoping that they would eventually magically prompt me into writing them.

It hasn’t happened. Why? I’m not sure. Part of it is feeling overwhelmed, and so far behind and that my next post has to  be something big. And the other part of it is that well — this was a “lunchtime” blog and … I’m really, really busy at work. Lunchtime just doesn’t happen. And by the time I get home? The last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer again. But, Frank just got me an awesome iPad, so maybe that will help?

In any case, instead of these half-formed thoughts sitting in drafts waiting for their Big Moment, here’s a brain dump about what I’m thinking about this week – in no particular order, some of them to be fleshed out later, some to be totally forgotten about..

  • Mom’s awesome recovery from a total left-side hip replacement.
  • A lot about personal finance. My own, and an interesting upcoming project in which I will likely have another blogging project to neglect/obsess/feel guilt over.
  • Designing the above-mentioned blog, and redesigning this one – hopefully with the help of the talented Carolann from Wonderpug.
  • Pinterest – my aspirational soul laid bare.
  • My forays into the world of slow cooking.
  • What I’m going to make for a vegetarian, Valentine’s Day-themed potluck lunch for 6 co-workers for lunch. Suggestions welcome!
  • How I became a somewhat confused and begrudging pro-gun ally and supporter. And why I am so, so, so tired of the whole debate. Both sides. Any sides. Please everyone, please stop.
  • The hypocrisy of outrage resulting from a transgender teacher who was fired from a Catholic school. (The church is against gay marriage and .. being gay in general – but y’all thought they’d be totally cool with someone who is transgender? Pfft.)
  • Is LASIK right for me, or am I giant wuss?
  • I want to make an “Escape from NY/Before I evetually/likely leave/What I take for granted” bucket list.
  • Professor Erica? I’m thinking about finding some sort of conference or even continuing ed program where I can teach social media marketing to beginners/older people/small business owners.
  • The wedding. I want to organize pictures, make an album for myself, an album for mom and an online album. And put something up on the blog!

Okay. Open thread! What’s on your mind?

Interlude

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These must be the golden years. For the first time in what may be “ever” – I’m not currently planning or waiting or working towards something immediate.

Frank and I are married. There’s no waiting and wondering when he’ll propose, or thinking about planning a wedding. No anxious saving for a party, or lists of crafty projects that need to be made. I’m not worried about finding “the dress” or stressing about fitting into it. It’s done – it’s fabulous. The last thank you cards have been mailed, and now I just get to enjoy the pictures when they come in.

I have a new job. One I hope to stay at for a very long time. I’m not wondering where I’ll be working, or how long I’ll have to stay at a job I don’t like. I know what I do for a living, and I know how to do it well. I’m not revising resumes or writing cover letters.

School? An advanced degree? Not really even a thought at the moment. I’m not studying for any tests, or worrying about additional deadlines.

I’m not stressed about money. I mean – I am. I always am. But at the end of the day, there’s money in our accounts. Our financial goals are longer term; retirement, paying off student loans. A new car, a down payment.  I don’t have to freelance, or think about a side-hustle. And if I do –it’s extra –a way to get to a goal quicker, not to fill in a gap.

My family is stable. Obviously, there are issues. Stories about Flo stopped being funny a long time ago. Relations with my littlest sisters are tenuous. My sister is having a rough patch, and I’m worried about my mom’s upcoming surgery and if I can get my other grandmother into assisted living. But – we’re stable. I’m learning to deal with the constant ache that is missing my dad.

The horizon looks bright. We have so much to look forward to – eventual babies, a theoretical house, a potential move, Frank’s graduation and becoming a real dual-income family. I still have goals and plans for growth – professionally, health-wise and other, but I know where I’m headed and have a good idea about how to get there.

Obviously, anything can change in an instant. People get sick, have accidents, lose jobs, divorce – I know all of that. But for now? It’s quiet. This quiet, golden time is almost like a gift.  And I couldn’t be happier.

13 Down and Across

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One of the strongest memories I have of my dad is opening up a fresh “Games Magazine” and doing the word puzzles with him. In the car, at a diner, in the park, by the pool … Games Magazine was a staple of our relationship. When he died, I had the remainder of his subscription mailed to my house. A few months ago, when it expired – I renewed it in my name.

I haven’t touched them. They just pile up on my bedside table, waiting. Waiting for what, I’m not sure. Part of me feels like it’s wrong to do it without him, and part of me knows he’d be horrified that I have all of those great puzzles there and I haven’t touched any of them.

It also occurs to me that I hadn’t done any kind of crossword in about a year. I miss them. So today at lunch, I picked up the newspaper and sat down to a puzzle.

Didn’t go great – but I’ll get in the swing of it again. I’d do better if I had Dad for a consult. Happy Birthday, Dad.

Going to bed angry

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I was super lucky enough to have had a beautiful bridal shower thrown in my honor last week (pictures [and video!] forthcoming), and one of the activities was to write down advice for a happy marriage. There were some interesting and unique tidbits (apparently, my friends are very pro-leg shaving) but by and large, the most-given advice was to never go to bed angry.

In fact, it was even Dear Abby’s single piece of marital advice to a bride today.

So, platitudes aside – is that really good advice? Because I totally disagree.

Sure, I’m not actually married yet, but we’ve been together nine years and I’d say we’re doing pretty good. And yes, we fight. Fairly, and without name calling, but we definitely fight. And I’ve absolutely gone to bed angry. And you know what? I think going to bed angry is a good idea.

Why? Two reasons.

1. The alternative is exhausting. I refuse to see how staying up and fighting or arguing is going to produce anything productive. How long can a fight stay fair if we’re sleep-deprived and worried about getting up in the morning? Are we really going to find a good solution or compromise if we’re tired? Or won’t we just want to end it, and say anything to make it stop?

Or is that the point? That when you are tired, you’ll give in and then it’s done and over? Or is the advice more – just stop fighting, remember you love one another, go to bed and deal with it in the morning? Because that’s all fine and dandy, and I can certainly remember I love this man, but still want to kick him in the shins.

2. Things aren’t as bad in the morning. Of course yeah, sometimes they are. But generally, going to bed angry or annoyed about something stupid? Seems even stupider the next morning. It’s a lot easier to wake up, kiss him good morning, apologize and then start the day. Not every thing needs to be hashed out, and sometimes its easier and smarter to be contrite rather than “right.”

What do you think? Still think not going to bed angry is the right move? Do you practice what you preach?

Not a day goes by …

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I know, it’s Mother’s Day – but this one is a little rough for me, so please bear with some rambling. It’s the one year anniversary of my father’s death. And I still can’t believe that it’s true.

Literally, not a day goes by where I don’t absentmindedly think to pick up the phone and call him. Sometimes just to tell him something, and sometimes just because I’m bored and I miss him.

It’s been a really rough year. Anything associated with my dad seemed to come tinged with drama, and this has not been an exception. My relationships with his family, instead of growing stronger, seem to have become even unhinged, as I try to work through my own grief and somehow still end up as the center of support for everyone else. I’m consciously trying to take a step back from that role, and … it isn’t always pretty.

Mourning him is so difficult. My dad was such a polarizing figure, and people have strong emotions about him. And very often, I feel like I’m the only one who bears that burden. I know that’s not entirely true, but on some level – it is. We had a very complicated and unique relationship. He was more my friend than a dad in a lot of ways (although I’m realizing, now that he is gone, how much I really did learn from him – it’s so hard to accept that I can’t tell him that …) and in a lot of ways, I really was my dad’s best friend. It’s a heavy mantle.

I keep thinking about how much he’s missing. And whenever I do or experience something fun, I think about how much he’d love to hear about it, or what he would say. And I think that’s where I get tripped up. Because as my sister has pointed out – he’s not missing it. He’s dead. He doesn’t know he isn’t here. It’s really more about me, wishing he was here to share it. It’s a fine distinction, and I think it helps. When I think about it from what I would consider “his” perspective, I feel sad for him, and almost guilty that life goes on. When I think about how I feel about it — well, I mean – that’s just healthier. It also helps, because my dad was many things, but unpredictable wasn’t one of them. I can almost hear and predict, word-for-word what he would have said in almost any situation, and sometimes — that helps.

So, life goes on. And I’ll continue to try and untangle some of the messes he left, try to find ways to honor him as life goes on, and keep his voice in my head. But today, one year later? I’m just sad.

I promise you, I’m really shy

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And if you’ve met me at a party, or maybe even if you read this blog, you’ll think I’m a liar. Most people would describe me as friendly, or maybe even outgoing.

And while it’s true my life is an open book, and I can generally find something to chat about, no matter where I am – the truth is? Having to meet new people, make a cold call, or heaven forbid — attend a networking event? Fills me with dread.  Deep, anxiety-ridden angst. (Oddly, exceptions apply for interviews, or when I’m speaking about a topic I actually feel confident about – like social media, or Buffy trivia.) But, sometimes you just have to put on your big girl pants, and get the job done. So, I do. And to compensate, I put on my friendliest face, and smile big and try to remember names.  I try not to appear too nervous (but you can tell I am by my self-conscious giggle or self-deprecating remark), but hopefully I come across as genuine, fun and interested.

Because I am! Really!

Once I am in the swing of things, I can generally relax and enjoy myself.  I can gain my footing and be present in the conversation. But the thought of having to do it again? Right back to the awful pit in my stomach.

I’m so much happier on my couch with a book or close friends than I am at a party. I’d rather cuddle my dog (or yours!) then speak to the owner. And yet, I make my career in marketing and communications , although it should be no shock that I specialize in online and digital media.

I’m so friendly and bubbly because I am trying to avoid dying of my shyness.

Do you find that the way you describe yourself is totally different than the way others would describe you?

 

Locked In

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It all started so innocently. My sister was going to come over, walk the dog with me and then we we’re going to go shoe shopping.

I was hanging out in the living room, and I heard her come up the steps, so I went to open the door before she got to it – otherwise Eva starts getting a little weird when people knock on the door. I went to turn the doorknob, and it was stuck. It wouldn’t turn.

I called out to her, and told her to get her key out of the lock (sometimes she tries to surprise the dog) and she said she wasn’t even up the stairs yet.

I jiggled the doorknob – nothing. I played with the lock. Nothing. I tried to have HER unlock the door. Still nothing. Totally jammed. Eva and I were locked in the apartment. On a Sunday – and one of us needed to go outside to pee. And one of us was locked on the other side, closer to freedom but wanting a snack.

Marisa had the genius idea to remove the doorknob. So, I found a screwdriver in the myriad of toolboxes (I really need to speak to Frank about how to better organize that hall closet) and I took off the doorknob.


Still no luck. The metal bolt thingamabob was stuck in the door.  We called the maintenance guys who reluctantly agreed to come over and help. After about 45 minutes, and a search for needle nose pliers later  — we got the door open. And it was totally destroyed. But – I was free!!!

And then I shoved a towel in the door to use as a makeshift doorknob. Thank goodness I still had a working deadbolt. The guy agreed to come back tomorrow “after lunch” to install a new doorknob, which I had to go out and buy. Great. So, I just have a towel for a doorknob and a broken door and a deadbolt separating Eva from the rest of the world.

We took our chances and failed. No shoes were purchased, but one new doorknob was.

I waited the whole next morning at home, for after lunch. I called the cell number he gave me. He picked up, I heard kids in the background, I told him who I was and … he hung up. All calls went straight to voice mail.

I called his boss, who informed me that it’s my personal door and my problem, and if the guy doesn’t want to fix it, that’s between me and “the guy.” Also, it’s his day off, so why am I calling him?

Ducky.

So, I called the next best thing to Frank (and a lot less expensive than a locksmith) – Frank’s sister. She agreed to come over that evening and help. And help she did. Apparently, I bought the wrong door plate, so we went back out to Home Depot, and then we located our drill, a working outlet, and some sort of giant file she used to file down the door. She had some crazy word for it, and told me it was similar to some other crazy tool I never heard of. She worked her butt off, and I couldn’t even offer her food or a drink, because I hadn’t gone food shopping. Only shoes.

By midnight, she had finished, Eva and I had been safely secured, I emailed the dog walker to let her know, and I dropped off poor Carol at home.

And that, my friends, is how you get locked IN your apartment.

How was your weekend?

Making a Wish To Be Less Cranky

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I am in a super cranky mood. No particular reason, and yet a bunch of reasons.

In no particular order, here’s what’s made me cranky this week:

1. My car’s lack of Sirius radio. Hello, first world problems. My sister has been nice enough to let me borrow her car during the week, so that Frank can have ours. But I didn’t borrow it this week, and I had been spoiled by her Sirius radio/Howard Stern. So now I am annoyed whenever I get into my car and don’t have Robin Quivers braying in my ear. And Howard kind of reminds me of my dad, and I really miss my dad. And I tend to miss him more when I am alone, driving in my car – because that’s when I have time to think. And I think about my dad.  And now that I’m writing this, my guess is that it’s less about being cranky about Sirius radio and more being cranky about my dad. But I am too cranky for that level of introspection right now.

2. I went to a somewhat useless conference in Atlanta this week. Somewhat, because there was some team-building there, and I got to hear some interesting presentations and be inspired. But useless because right now, that inspiration just has to get locked into a “maybe later” vault, and I didn’t learn any of the real world applications that I had hoped to learn.

3. My lunches have sucked this week. Whether it was bad conference food, cafeteria food at work (the new guy is an awful wrap maker) or whether I brought it in from home (oh Trader Joe’s mideast feast – you have disappointed me), I love lunch. So I hate when it isn’t delicious.

4. I went to the gym. Okay, this may actually be in the positive column, but I’m always annoyed while I’m at the gym. I hate the stupid elliptical, I hate being bored, I hate being sore and I never quite get that amazing euphoric post-work out high that other gym-goers rave about. I know, there’s a lot I can do to combat my gym hate (i.e. take classes, use the pool, download podcasts) but … it made me cranky this week, so it’s on the list!

5. My family. I can’t go into too much detail, of course – but it just never seems to end. This one isn’t speaking to that one, this one did wrong, that one doesn’t call this one, this one doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, this one is calling the cops on that one… It’s just exhausting. And the specter of everyone getting together at the end of next year for a wedding? Makes everything feel more tense.

6. Some random friends stuff. Weddings just never bring out the best in anyone, do they?  A few weeks ago, a friend didn’t include me in a wedding-related event that surprised me. And I just recently became aware of how hurt I was by it. And I don’t really know how to handle it, except for backing away from her. I have no desire to mend the friendship which was already pretty broken, but has been maintained for political harmony reasons.  But I seem to be doing that a lot lately — backing away. I wonder if that’s contributing to the cranky?

7. The Penn State Scandal. I just can’t wrap my head around people rioting about someone who helped to cover up children being raped. I get it, he’s a folk hero – but … kids were raped. I think that should trump most things. It’s okay to be disappointed and disillusioned, but the level of outrage seems to just be entirely disproportionate. And it makes me think a lot about a book I just read that I really recommend (Hush by Eishes Chayil) and about the community’s responsibility when someone is being hurt. Or bullied. And I think I’m really coming to terms with my own childhood bullying situation (which of course involved the friend in #6). And I’m just sad. And angry.

8. My dog has to go to the vet again. Anyone remember the Expensive Knee Surgery of the Summer? She’s been on painkillers this whole time. We finally weaned her down to zero, except – wean is a misnomer. The poor dog just isn’t walking right, and it’s breaking my heart. So, the vet wants to see her. He has seen her once before, and they couldn’t see anything by visually inspecting her. I don’t know what they expect to see differently tomorrow AM, but I have a bad feeling about more surgeries and expensive x-rays, etc. And I feel awful about being worried about money, because — the poor thing is in pain!

I know, this is getting long. But whenever I bitch about something negative, I try to add in a few positives. So, things that are making me smile?

1. My weekend plans. One is a fun surprise for a friend, and the other is some time with my buddy Jill. She has promised pumpkin-related food items. How could that not make you smile?

2. My friend’s baby. I’ve been trying to spend time with her once a week, and last night was our night together. Ever give a happy, giggling 5-week old a bath? I have! Cutest. Kid. Ever.

 

Weekend Bookended by Cheese

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It’s Sunday evening, and I’m pretty confident in calling this weekend a success. Life has been hectic lately with the new job and the wedding planning and just … life. This weekend was marked by being one of the last weekends before “Holiday Madness” begins, and I spent a good deal of it sleeping.

As in, I slept until noon (with a brief dogwalking bout of wakefulness on Saturday) until noon, both days. That’s almost unprecedented.

The weekend began on Friday night when we went out to celebrate my friend Rachel’s birthday. She’s had kind of a rough year, so it was nice to get together and do something fun in her honor, and hopefully usher in some more fun times ahead. And we had the perfect ingredients including a bunch of 8, fun, happy girls and a restaurant that specializes in cheese. We went to Artisanal Bistro, which is a place I’ve been hoping to check out for awhile.  This is one of the best nights out I’ve had in a long time, and we really had a great time, and laughed a lot. And that may or may not have anything to do with the fact that we had two pots of fondue (cheese and chocolate), a billion delicious appetizers, some yummy entrees, 4 bottles of wine and six desserts.  I’m pretty sure this place is going to become a regular for my friends for a long time.  My goal is to one day dine in the Cheese Cave.

Saturday, after I woke up from my slumber, Frank and I crossed one of the few errands on my list off (weekly library trip) and had a nice brunch together. Something we haven’t always done, but have been trying to do lately. Mainly because by the time Saturday rolls around there’s no food left in the house to make breakfast. Then, I met up with my sister and we crossed off the other items on my “must do” list (get milk and pick up prescriptions.) I spent some quality time with her, and then headed over to my friend Elana’s house with our friend Michelle to hang out with her and 8-week old Jillian. We drank some more wine, ate cookies and made signs for her husband Michael, to encourage him as he ran in the NYC marathon today (run, Michael run!).

I went home, slept until noon today (see a theme?) and then literally did nothing. I accomplished nothing. I didn’t even read. In fact, I’m not sure what I did from noon until now, except for hang out with Frank, play on the internet and finally watch the season premiere of Bones. (Oh my god, how adorable is Booth? Except no mention of Parker?)

Now I’m headed off to Frank’s parents house for … macaroni and cheese. At some point tonight I’m going to attempt an at-home manicure, pack for tomorrow’s business trip to Atlanta and maybe get some freelance done. But man, oh man – I really needed this weekend of doing nothing except for relaxing. And sleeping. And eating cheese. And apparently drinking a lot of wine.

Rockin’ Friday Night

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It’s been a little hectic around here lately, and this weekend is going to be packed – so when I realized that Frank had plans for tonight and I had none … I have to admit I was excited about having the night and the apartment to myself. I neglected to think past “get home, get in pajamas” and am apparently too lazy to even figure out how to make real food, so I have eaten ramen for dinner.

I caught up on the Hulu shows I won’t make Frank watch/he doesn’t like.

I read a book.

Blogged about the book.

I read through my RSS feeds.

Caught up on my regular internet haunts (Facebook, OffbeatBride, Jezebel, SomethingAwful, NerdNYC).

I’ve taken the dog for her evening constitutional.

I’m at the end of the internet, I’m relaxed, I’m vaguely hungry and not yet sleepy. I love this. I love feeling like I had enough “me” time and now I’m ready for my boyfriend to come home so I can tell him all about my day. And hope he makes me something to eat. (Which means I should probably clean the kitchen.)

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