I know, it’s Mother’s Day – but this one is a little rough for me, so please bear with some rambling. It’s the one year anniversary of my father’s death. And I still can’t believe that it’s true.

Literally, not a day goes by where I don’t absentmindedly think to pick up the phone and call him. Sometimes just to tell him something, and sometimes just because I’m bored and I miss him.

It’s been a really rough year. Anything associated with my dad seemed to come tinged with drama, and this has not been an exception. My relationships with his family, instead of growing stronger, seem to have become even unhinged, as I try to work through my own grief and somehow still end up as the center of support for everyone else. I’m consciously trying to take a step back from that role, and … it isn’t always pretty.

Mourning him is so difficult. My dad was such a polarizing figure, and people have strong emotions about him. And very often, I feel like I’m the only one who bears that burden. I know that’s not entirely true, but on some level – it is. We had a very complicated and unique relationship. He was more my friend than a dad in a lot of ways (although I’m realizing, now that he is gone, how much I really did learn from him – it’s so hard to accept that I can’t tell him that …) and in a lot of ways, I really was my dad’s best friend. It’s a heavy mantle.

I keep thinking about how much he’s missing. And whenever I do or experience something fun, I think about how much he’d love to hear about it, or what he would say. And I think that’s where I get tripped up. Because as my sister has pointed out – he’s not missing it. He’s dead. He doesn’t know he isn’t here. It’s really more about me, wishing he was here to share it. It’s a fine distinction, and I think it helps. When I think about it from what I would consider “his” perspective, I feel sad for him, and almost guilty that life goes on. When I think about how I feel about it — well, I mean – that’s just healthier. It also helps, because my dad was many things, but unpredictable wasn’t one of them. I can almost hear and predict, word-for-word what he would have said in almost any situation, and sometimes — that helps.

So, life goes on. And I’ll continue to try and untangle some of the messes he left, try to find ways to honor him as life goes on, and keep his voice in my head. But today, one year later? I’m just sad.

And if you’ve met me at a party, or maybe even if you read this blog, you’ll think I’m a liar. Most people would describe me as friendly, or maybe even outgoing.

And while it’s true my life is an open book, and I can generally find something to chat about, no matter where I am – the truth is? Having to meet new people, make a cold call, or heaven forbid — attend a networking event? Fills me with dread.  Deep, anxiety-ridden angst. (Oddly, exceptions apply for interviews, or when I’m speaking about a topic I actually feel confident about – like social media, or Buffy trivia.) But, sometimes you just have to put on your big girl pants, and get the job done. So, I do. And to compensate, I put on my friendliest face, and smile big and try to remember names.  I try not to appear too nervous (but you can tell I am by my self-conscious giggle or self-deprecating remark), but hopefully I come across as genuine, fun and interested.

Because I am! Really!

Once I am in the swing of things, I can generally relax and enjoy myself.  I can gain my footing and be present in the conversation. But the thought of having to do it again? Right back to the awful pit in my stomach.

I’m so much happier on my couch with a book or close friends than I am at a party. I’d rather cuddle my dog (or yours!) then speak to the owner. And yet, I make my career in marketing and communications , although it should be no shock that I specialize in online and digital media.

I’m so friendly and bubbly because I am trying to avoid dying of my shyness.

Do you find that the way you describe yourself is totally different than the way others would describe you?

I think my life is a re-run.

So, the wedding is about 6 months away, and I’ve given up on my weight loss math. (What’s weight loss math? You know, the “if I lose 3 lbs. a week, times x weeks, and minus the “bad” week of my birthday then by the wedding — I’ll be a supermodel!” math.)

I’ve accepted that I’ll never lose enough weight by the wedding to look like a supermodel, but that’s okay. I ordered the dress in the size I was then (and am a few pounds lighter now) and it is what it is. That being said, I wouldn’t mind being a little lighter and more toned. That, and I need to work out for heart health and to reduce anxiety and to brighten my mood and all the other reasons people need to get in shape.

Getting to the gym in the evenings after work just never happens for me. It should, since I work about 10 minutes from the gym, but I always find an excuse. I need to walk the dog, I have to stay late, there’s no parking – whatever. So, I’ve decided to start going again in the morning.  I’ve done this before.

I got to the gym this AM, so damn proud of myself. Driving to work makes it easier to not worry about bringing a ton of stuff, because I can just leave it in the car afterwards. I was running a little late this AM, but nothing tragic. A good gym run through. I caught up on my beloved Suze Orman podcasts and thought about writing this blog post. I remembered writing about my strange gym routines and traumas before, and thought it may be a good “hey, remember me!” post.

Great. I had a plan. I finished up my workout, showered and got dressed …

…

This time, instead of forgetting flip-flops for the shower, I forgot pants.

Seriously. Only me. So, I emailed my boss, and then drove home, and drove back to work.

Seems like I still need to work on that whole “preparedness” thing.

It all started so innocently. My sister was going to come over, walk the dog with me and then we we’re going to go shoe shopping.

I was hanging out in the living room, and I heard her come up the steps, so I went to open the door before she got to it – otherwise Eva starts getting a little weird when people knock on the door. I went to turn the doorknob, and it was stuck. It wouldn’t turn.

I called out to her, and told her to get her key out of the lock (sometimes she tries to surprise the dog) and she said she wasn’t even up the stairs yet.

I jiggled the doorknob – nothing. I played with the lock. Nothing. I tried to have HER unlock the door. Still nothing. Totally jammed. Eva and I were locked in the apartment. On a Sunday – and one of us needed to go outside to pee. And one of us was locked on the other side, closer to freedom but wanting a snack.

Marisa had the genius idea to remove the doorknob. So, I found a screwdriver in the myriad of toolboxes (I really need to speak to Frank about how to better organize that hall closet) and I took off the doorknob.

Still no luck. The metal bolt thingamabob was stuck in the door.  We called the maintenance guys who reluctantly agreed to come over and help. After about 45 minutes, and a search for needle nose pliers later  — we got the door open. And it was totally destroyed. But – I was free!!!

And then I shoved a towel in the door to use as a makeshift doorknob. Thank goodness I still had a working deadbolt. The guy agreed to come back tomorrow “after lunch” to install a new doorknob, which I had to go out and buy. Great. So, I just have a towel for a doorknob and a broken door and a deadbolt separating Eva from the rest of the world.

We took our chances and failed. No shoes were purchased, but one new doorknob was.

I waited the whole next morning at home, for after lunch. I called the cell number he gave me. He picked up, I heard kids in the background, I told him who I was and … he hung up. All calls went straight to voice mail.

I called his boss, who informed me that it’s my personal door and my problem, and if the guy doesn’t want to fix it, that’s between me and “the guy.” Also, it’s his day off, so why am I calling him?

Ducky.

So, I called the next best thing to Frank (and a lot less expensive than a locksmith) – Frank’s sister. She agreed to come over that evening and help. And help she did. Apparently, I bought the wrong door plate, so we went back out to Home Depot, and then we located our drill, a working outlet, and some sort of giant file she used to file down the door. She had some crazy word for it, and told me it was similar to some other crazy tool I never heard of. She worked her butt off, and I couldn’t even offer her food or a drink, because I hadn’t gone food shopping. Only shoes.

By midnight, she had finished, Eva and I had been safely secured, I emailed the dog walker to let her know, and I dropped off poor Carol at home.

And that, my friends, is how you get locked IN your apartment.

How was your weekend?

Awesome! Today my guest post appeared on one of my favorite blogs (with a great name – Rage Against the Minivan)  in a series she calls “What I Want You To Know.”

I write a small piece on some of my thoughts on feeling marginalized as an atheist in America. It was a response to a lot of other posts in the series about faith, and how it’s the only way to heal. I was super nervous to write it, but so far the response has been really positive.

Check it out – What I Want You to Know: Being Atheist in America.

I’m trying to remember to blog more often. I can blame my lack of blogging on a lot of things, but oddly enough – I think the major culprit is my iPhone. Because now, instead of sitting in front of my desktop computer and checking my email, paying bills, browsing Facebook–I do it on my phone, on the couch. Which means I am not typing out a whole big post, and it just happens a lot less. But, since Frank will be gone all of January, the desktop and I may have some more quality time together. Let’s see if I can get back in the habit.

I’ve been really cranky lately and I’m not really feeling super professionally fulfilled which makes me extra cranky. Also, I just re-read my cranky post and realized I haven’t been to the gym since I wrote that …

Right, what I was saying that I’ve been in a funk, but I got some pretty awesome news today. Last week, I entered a blog giveaway for a wedding DJ on Sparkle and Hay (what a great name for a “rustic chic” blog!) . It’s a long shot, sure – but Frank and I have decided we can’t really afford a DJ, and I had reluctantly agreed to iPod the whole thing. Which was kinda of causing me anxiety (yes, already) but – unless we came into a ton of money, we couldn’t justify the expense.

I was catching up on my backlogged Reader and guess what? I saw my name! I WON!

(this totally beats the time I won a year’s supply of awful gum. Which, I still have plenty of. Don’t be surprised if it ends up in bad kids’ Christmas stockings …)

That seriously made my whole week/month. I am getting an awesome, professional DJ for the wedding and all I had to do was be a social media nerd. How freakin’ cool is that? They are generously providing 5 hours of music (and announcements, etc.) for the event, and I just have to figure out ceremony stuff – which should be no big deal.

YAY!

Dear Internet,

I’ve been watching too much TV. Which is funny, because Frank and I have cut out cable and regular TV. We are Hulu Plus and Netflix on the XBOX 360 people now. I’m not totally on board, because I sometimes miss being able to watch live TV, and I’m a day behind watercooler (Facebook) chatter and no one has Suze, forcing me to listen to financial advice on the plane and in gyms on my iPhone. I know, I know – how do I make it through this rough life? Saving about $70 a month cushions the blow.

And, we still magically get NY1, so Pat Kiernan still reads me the paper in the morning. Thank god.

So, what do I watch? It seems like … everything. There just happens to be a lot of great TV on lately, and none of it is “reality tv” thankyouverymuch.

• Parks and Recreation
• Castle
• Bones
• House
• Community
• Terra Nova (which totally is awful, bad TV but we can’t stop watching – stop laughing)
• The Office
• Modern Family
• How I Met Your Mother (although I’m taking a break from this – the dead dad thing is still a little too close to home)
• Daily Show/Colbert

And I can’t wait for the return of 30 Rock, even if I’m giving it side-eye for colluding with Whitney in taking Community out of rotation.

What are you watching?

Frank and I don’t have a ton of music that we both really love, but the Mountain Goats is definitely one of an agreed upon favorite. They are short, often poetic, decidedly lo-fi and I think a great example of relatable storytelling.

Listening to them kind of feels like sitting around a campfire with a really talented friend who is playing the guitar.

Lately, this song has been in my head a lot lately. No particular reason, just kind of haunting.

You Were Cool

This is one of “our” songs – Going to Georgia

And this is a recent favorite of mine – Damn These Vampires

What do you think?

I am in a super cranky mood. No particular reason, and yet a bunch of reasons.

In no particular order, here’s what’s made me cranky this week:

1. My car’s lack of Sirius radio. Hello, first world problems. My sister has been nice enough to let me borrow her car during the week, so that Frank can have ours. But I didn’t borrow it this week, and I had been spoiled by her Sirius radio/Howard Stern. So now I am annoyed whenever I get into my car and don’t have Robin Quivers braying in my ear. And Howard kind of reminds me of my dad, and I really miss my dad. And I tend to miss him more when I am alone, driving in my car – because that’s when I have time to think. And I think about my dad.  And now that I’m writing this, my guess is that it’s less about being cranky about Sirius radio and more being cranky about my dad. But I am too cranky for that level of introspection right now.

2. I went to a somewhat useless conference in Atlanta this week. Somewhat, because there was some team-building there, and I got to hear some interesting presentations and be inspired. But useless because right now, that inspiration just has to get locked into a “maybe later” vault, and I didn’t learn any of the real world applications that I had hoped to learn.

3. My lunches have sucked this week. Whether it was bad conference food, cafeteria food at work (the new guy is an awful wrap maker) or whether I brought it in from home (oh Trader Joe’s mideast feast – you have disappointed me), I love lunch. So I hate when it isn’t delicious.

4. I went to the gym. Okay, this may actually be in the positive column, but I’m always annoyed while I’m at the gym. I hate the stupid elliptical, I hate being bored, I hate being sore and I never quite get that amazing euphoric post-work out high that other gym-goers rave about. I know, there’s a lot I can do to combat my gym hate (i.e. take classes, use the pool, download podcasts) but … it made me cranky this week, so it’s on the list!

5. My family. I can’t go into too much detail, of course – but it just never seems to end. This one isn’t speaking to that one, this one did wrong, that one doesn’t call this one, this one doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, this one is calling the cops on that one… It’s just exhausting. And the specter of everyone getting together at the end of next year for a wedding? Makes everything feel more tense.

6. Some random friends stuff. Weddings just never bring out the best in anyone, do they?  A few weeks ago, a friend didn’t include me in a wedding-related event that surprised me. And I just recently became aware of how hurt I was by it. And I don’t really know how to handle it, except for backing away from her. I have no desire to mend the friendship which was already pretty broken, but has been maintained for political harmony reasons.  But I seem to be doing that a lot lately — backing away. I wonder if that’s contributing to the cranky?

7. The Penn State Scandal. I just can’t wrap my head around people rioting about someone who helped to cover up children being raped. I get it, he’s a folk hero – but … kids were raped. I think that should trump most things. It’s okay to be disappointed and disillusioned, but the level of outrage seems to just be entirely disproportionate. And it makes me think a lot about a book I just read that I really recommend (Hush by Eishes Chayil) and about the community’s responsibility when someone is being hurt. Or bullied. And I think I’m really coming to terms with my own childhood bullying situation (which of course involved the friend in #6). And I’m just sad. And angry.

8. My dog has to go to the vet again. Anyone remember the Expensive Knee Surgery of the Summer? She’s been on painkillers this whole time. We finally weaned her down to zero, except – wean is a misnomer. The poor dog just isn’t walking right, and it’s breaking my heart. So, the vet wants to see her. He has seen her once before, and they couldn’t see anything by visually inspecting her. I don’t know what they expect to see differently tomorrow AM, but I have a bad feeling about more surgeries and expensive x-rays, etc. And I feel awful about being worried about money, because — the poor thing is in pain!

I know, this is getting long. But whenever I bitch about something negative, I try to add in a few positives. So, things that are making me smile?

1. My weekend plans. One is a fun surprise for a friend, and the other is some time with my buddy Jill. She has promised pumpkin-related food items. How could that not make you smile?

2. My friend’s baby. I’ve been trying to spend time with her once a week, and last night was our night together. Ever give a happy, giggling 5-week old a bath? I have! Cutest. Kid. Ever.

It’s Sunday evening, and I’m pretty confident in calling this weekend a success. Life has been hectic lately with the new job and the wedding planning and just … life. This weekend was marked by being one of the last weekends before “Holiday Madness” begins, and I spent a good deal of it sleeping.

As in, I slept until noon (with a brief dogwalking bout of wakefulness on Saturday) until noon, both days. That’s almost unprecedented.

The weekend began on Friday night when we went out to celebrate my friend Rachel’s birthday. She’s had kind of a rough year, so it was nice to get together and do something fun in her honor, and hopefully usher in some more fun times ahead. And we had the perfect ingredients including a bunch of 8, fun, happy girls and a restaurant that specializes in cheese. We went to Artisanal Bistro, which is a place I’ve been hoping to check out for awhile.  This is one of the best nights out I’ve had in a long time, and we really had a great time, and laughed a lot. And that may or may not have anything to do with the fact that we had two pots of fondue (cheese and chocolate), a billion delicious appetizers, some yummy entrees, 4 bottles of wine and six desserts.  I’m pretty sure this place is going to become a regular for my friends for a long time.  My goal is to one day dine in the Cheese Cave.

Saturday, after I woke up from my slumber, Frank and I crossed one of the few errands on my list off (weekly library trip) and had a nice brunch together. Something we haven’t always done, but have been trying to do lately. Mainly because by the time Saturday rolls around there’s no food left in the house to make breakfast. Then, I met up with my sister and we crossed off the other items on my “must do” list (get milk and pick up prescriptions.) I spent some quality time with her, and then headed over to my friend Elana’s house with our friend Michelle to hang out with her and 8-week old Jillian. We drank some more wine, ate cookies and made signs for her husband Michael, to encourage him as he ran in the NYC marathon today (run, Michael run!).

I went home, slept until noon today (see a theme?) and then literally did nothing. I accomplished nothing. I didn’t even read. In fact, I’m not sure what I did from noon until now, except for hang out with Frank, play on the internet and finally watch the season premiere of Bones. (Oh my god, how adorable is Booth? Except no mention of Parker?)

Now I’m headed off to Frank’s parents house for … macaroni and cheese. At some point tonight I’m going to attempt an at-home manicure, pack for tomorrow’s business trip to Atlanta and maybe get some freelance done. But man, oh man – I really needed this weekend of doing nothing except for relaxing. And sleeping. And eating cheese. And apparently drinking a lot of wine.