You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

Dear Erica,
I love having people over. Sometimes we hang out and watch movies, sometimes I throw themed parties, and sometimes it’s just a gathering space. My friends are great. They bring snacks and we have a great time. Apparently, we have such a great time that … I can never get them to leave.

I don’t want to kick them out, but a girl needs her beauty rest. How do I reclaim my space without hurting anyone’s feelings?

-Furious Under The Overwhelming Nuisance

Dear FUTON,

I feel your pain. This is a tricky question, because it’s one of those “etiquette is a two-way street” things. You have certain responsibilites as a hostess, but your guests need to be cognizant of their own behavior as well. But, as my mom reminds me often, “there’s only so much you can control.” So, let’s focus on what you can do.

The method I don’t really recommend? My grandma Elaine’s. When my dad was a teenager, and had friends over in his “psychadelic room” (which is totally it’s own story), grandma would stand at the top of the stairs, and loudly wind up an alarm clock, letting the deadbeats know they had 5 minutes to get out of her house. Effective? Absolutely. Polite? Not so much.

The key to getting people the heck out of your house is thinking ahead. You sometimes have to prep people that it’s time to wrap it all up. You don’t want to make anyone feel unwelcome, just … giving them a message.  A few ideas:

• If there’s music, turn it off. The TV is on, but no one is watching? Either lower the volume or shut it off. Essentially, kill any passive entertainment.
• Offer to serve tea or coffee. The trick is not to do this when you decide you want them to leave (as it could be seen as an invitation to stay later) but more of a “coffee signifies the end of a meal/party, etc.”
• Mention what a busy day you have the next day, or how early you have to wake up. This sometimes makes people think of their own responsibilities.
• Start discussing how good it was to see the guests, and how you should plan to do this again soon. That also sounds like someone wrapping up a conversation, and bringing it to a logical conclusion.
• For a larger party, ask a good friend (you know the kind) to leave a little early, and make a big show of it. This doesn’t work if that same really good friend is the same one to help you clean up afterward.
• Offer doggie-bags/leftovers. As in “nothing more is being served. This is for you to take home. Home. You remember home, right? Go there.”
• Start cleaning up. I like to leave this as an almost last-ditch effort because I feel it’s a little hostile. But it does tend to work. And even if they don’t leave, they usually feel bad and at least help clean.

And then, when all else fails – and your guests haven’t held up their end of the etiquette bargain? Go ahead and tell them it’s time to leave. “It’s really been a lot of fun, but I do have to call it a night. Let’s see one another again soon?” It may feel a little uncomfortable, but it’s better than putting on PJs and putting your guests out on the front porch. And lately, I notice when people are just hanging out, playing video games – they aren’t really paying attention to less than subtle cues, and need that verbal kick in the butt.

But the most important rule of ending a party? Making sure whomever is leaving your house is fit to drive or get home. /PSA

The Case of the Reluctant Comper

Dear Erica,

My fiance is one of the managers at a restaurant downtown. He has the authority to comp certain things, etc. Friends of mine know this, and funny…there’s been a huge jump in how many of them now go to the restaurant. To the point of asking me if he’s working on a certain day, because they want to bring their friends from out of town there, or celebrate a birthday there, or what-have-you. To the point of dropping his name when he’s not even there, in hopes of getting a discount.

I think this is inappropriate, rude, and is kind of abusing a friendship. It could possibly get my fiance in a lot of trouble, if it happens too often. What do you think?

-Getting Real Annoyed, This is Serious

Dear  GRATIS,

There seems to be a few things going on here. The first is that your friends may not have any idea that they are doing something rude, and I don’t entirely blame them. Why would anyone jump off of the gravy train, unless they had a reason? So – give them a reason.

If I had to guess (and I kind of do) – you and/or your fiancé feels obligated to comp something if his friends or family are there. Has he ever declined to comp, or said “Hey, sorry – can’t help you out tonight, I could get in trouble. But I will recommend you try the fish, because it looked awesome”? My guess is that you haven’t tried saying no, because if you did – one of two things would happen. Your friends and loved ones would say “Hey, cool! No problem. What’s good tonight?” or you would be writing in to me saying “My friends are being jerks when told they aren’t going to be comped any more.”

If I’m wrong, let me know! But it seems to me that your fear of your friends’ anger may be keeping you from speaking your mind. Give people a chance to do the right thing! And, straighten up that backbone J So, the next time they call, feel free to say “He’s working the dinner shift on Tuesday, but just so you know, he needs to reserve his comps for problem guests and high rollers. Hope you guys have fun!” No apologies, no asking for permission. Just the facts, Jack. Friends don’t want to see other friends get in trouble, just so they can get a free appetizer.

That’s the first issue. The second is – does your man know exactly what he can and can’t comp for personal reasons each month/week/whatever? Because if there really is an increased volume of guests, it seems like as with any other repeat customer – a few comps are reasonable. They are bringing in nice money to the restaurant, and that’s a good thing. And hopefully they are treating and tipping the servers well.  But instead of it being rude and inappropriate, maybe it’s just ‘hey, we gotta  eat somewhere, we may as well eat somewhere where we know the manager!”

I’m going to take the risk of being known as “the Modern Manners girl that hates weddings” (I don’t hate them!) and answer back to “Other People’s Advice” on this issue, because despite just having reminded people that there is no nice way to remove a bridesmaid, this one is just too good to leave sitting there.

A bride wrote into Dear Abby. Dear Abby responded. Erica got heated.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 36-year-old woman who has a 25-year-old friend I love like a little sister. Because of that connection, I felt compelled to ask her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding.

After she agreed, I overheard her mention that she would be getting a large tattoo on her arm. Because she knows how I feel about visible tattoos, I asked her if she’d wait six months until after the wedding. She and the matron of honor are scheduled to wear strapless, knee-length gowns.

She proceeded with the tattoo and now has half an arm of full-color design. I don’t want her to ruin my wedding or the photographs. I would feel guilty if I had to force a jacket or sweater on her or my matron of honor, especially if the day is unseasonably hot. What should I do?

DEAR NO INK: If your “little sister” cared as much about your feelings as you seem to about hers, she would have postponed getting the tattoo as you requested. Too bad she didn’t.

However, weddings are more than the procession and the picture album. They are about loving friends and family and the joining of two people who intend to build a life together. If you’re worried about the pictures, pose “Sis” so her “canvas” can’t be seen by the camera.

Oh Dear Abby and AwfulBride, you guys are such jerks. You are also seriously missing the point. There are so many things wrong with this picture.

1. Why does your age matter, AwfulBride? Are you trying to get on Abby’s good side with your advanced age? Show what a young neophyte this 25 year old woman is?
2. You were “compelled”? As if you are doing this woman a favor?
3. You want her to wait six months to do something to her own body, because of your one Special Princess Day?
4. Ruin your wedding? Seriously!? How is this going to ruin your wedding? Is this going to interrupt the vows? Take the food off of Grandma’s plate? Invalidate the marriage license? This is one serious sleeve!
5. Ruin your pictures? A photograph of your beloved “little sister” with a piece of art on her arm that she feels important is a ruined picture? Why wouldn’t you want a picture of the people that love you, just as they are – not as you wish they are?
6. You would have to force a jacket or sweater on them? Or what? The tattoo will slap the officiant and kidnap the flower girl?

And dear, Dear Abby. What do I say about our beloved Dear Abby? She semi-redeemed herself with the reminder that the wedding is more than just about a procession and a photo album, but loses serious points for her obnoxious “quotation marks” and feeding into this AwfulBride’s idea that if someone doesn’t bow to their insane demands, they really don’t care.

Bridal Party Photograph Newsflash

Your friends and loved ones are not props or accessories for Your Special Day. They are real people, who while they presumably love you, have other things to do, other priorities and other desires. They may gain weight, get pregnant, have a disfiguring accident, or get some sort of body adornment that you don’t like. If you chose them because they would look good in pictures, please remove them from your entourage, hire models and get yourself the number of a really good therapist.

People are who they are. The photographs are there to remind you of the joy you had on that day, with the real people you love. Not the idealized versions you wish you had. Accept and love them for who they are. And is anyone else really curious about the bridesmaid-in-question’s tattoo? I hope it’s awesome.

Photo Credit: My beautiful newlywed friend Becca and her awesome ink. Jeremy Lawson Photography.

Not a post I planned on writing, but unfortunately – timely. I have to attend the funeral of a close friend’s grandfather tomorrow, and having recently experienced my own loss, I thought this would be an appropriate time to give a little cheat sheet on what a Jewish funeral entails.

There are three major parts to the Jewish death rituals. The Funeral, the Burial and Sitting Shiva.

The Funeral

The service will most likely take place in a funeral home, not a temple. The funeral is usually held within 48 hours of death, in accordance with Jewish custom. This will be a closed casket, and there most likely will not be any viewing. A rabbi may speak, there will be some prayers (most likely in Hebrew, with English translations) and close family members may give eulogies. You should attend this portion of the mourning process as you would attend a funeral of a non-Jewish person. But, because the funeral is often held on very short notice, if you miss this – it’s generally understood. Wearing black is no longer considered mandatory, but you should wear dark colored clothing, and dress conservatively. No open-toed shoes, shorts or casual wear.

The Burial

Jews don’t really have graveside ceremonies for non-family. But, if you are close to the deceased, or their families, you may be asked to accompany the body to it’s final resting place. There is nothing specific to do here. It’s just sad. This is done immediately after the funeral.

Sitting Shiva

Sitting shiva is kind of the Jewish version of a wake. The person is already buried, but people both mourn and celebrate the life of the deceased at the home of a close family relative. People usually sit shiva for a week, but may only be receiving guests “open-house” style for the first few days.  It is considered a good deed to “pay a shiva call.” You should go to the home, offer a personal story about the bereaved, or simply be a good ear for those mourning.

It is appropriate to bring prepared foods to a shiva call (although cookies are always welcome in my family). This is because the family who is mourning should not be concerned with cooking or feeding themselves. This is the way a community takes care of the bereaved.

During a shiva call, you may see that the mirrors are covered. This is because Jewish custom states that those in mourning should not be concerned with their physical appearance.  Those mourning may also be sitting on low to the ground, uncomfortable chairs or even boxes. They may also have a ripped piece of clothing over their heart. This is part of a process called keriah.

Your clothing does not have to be as somber for a shiva call, but please dress conservatively. The family is still deep in mourning.

Sending Condolences

Do not send flowers to the home of the bereaved. Flowers are not appropriate for Jewish funerals and should be reserved for happier occasions.

Prepared, hot foods are the most appropriate gift, especially if you are making a shiva call.

In most cases, the family will have chosen a charity. If you would prefer to make a financial donation, the funeral home or family may have information about the charity selected.

As with any loss – a handwritten note, remembrance or photo of the deceased is always welcome. What people remember about those you lost is always intriguing, and very often precious.

The Unveiling and Visiting a Grave

Jews are buried without headstones. Usually, about a year later there is an “unveiling” ceremony, where the headstone is revealed. This is almost always very plain, without a lot of prose or pictures. Very often a Hebrew name will be used. When visiting a Jewish grave, visitors often leave rocks on the headstone, as a marker that someone had been there.

And, because it always comes up–yes, in almost all cases, except for a few sects of Judaism, you can be buried in a Jewish cemetery with a tattoo.

This is a very basic primer, and of course – there are all sorts of customs I haven’t mentioned here, but I hope that if and when you do have to attend a funeral of a Jewish person, you will have at least some knowledge of what to expect. And if I have gotten the meanings behind any customs incorrect, I hope someone more knowledgeable will let me know. If you have more etiquette questions, please ask!

Alison Green, AskAManager

The following is a post from Alison Green, also known as “Ask A Manager.” At her popular blog, Alison answers questions on everything from management to preparing for a phone interview. Alison is not only one of my blogging inspirations, she’s become a good friend and I’m so happy she agreed to dispense some wisdom (and a really terrific resource) here.

Etiquette when you’re writing to an advice columnist or otherwise asking for help

As someone who writes a career advice blog, I spend a lot of time giving people help for free.

I’d estimate that maybe 10% of these people ever write back and thank me, or even respond at all. Probably less than that.

Now, I get plenty of personal benefit out of my blog, so I’m not trying to position myself as a martyr. But the fact remains that an awful lot of people are getting my time for free and never acknowledging it in any way. I even answer questions that I don’t publish on my blog, simply because I can’t publish everything but still want to help people when I can, and I’ll sometimes rush to answer something immediately because their situation is time-sensitive. And these people say thank you at about the same low rates (maybe very slightly higher).

When people do write back to say thanks, I love it. Some people also take the time to write later on and let me know how their situation turned out, and that’s the best possible reward. It feels awesome.

But most people? Crickets.

I mentioned this to a friend recently, and she said that if an advice columnist answered her question, she might feel like she was bothering them a second time if she wrote back to say thank you — that they’re Busy And Important, and they wouldn’t care about her little thank-you.

I wonder if anyone ever reaches career heights where they don’t care about hearing thank-you. Maybe they do … although I doubt it.

If someone takes their time to help you, say thank you. Responding with silence is rude. (And it’s also not smart. I will go way out of my way for people who express appreciation, so they should at least make the Machiavellian calculation that it’s in their best interest, if nothing else.)

Free guide to preparing for interviews

Now, on a whole other topic, I have something free for YOU. I’ve just created a guide to preparing well for a job interview. If you’re job-searching, or might be job-searching in the future, I urge you to check it out. You’ll get tons of step-by-step advice on how to prepare, tips on overcoming nerves, questions to practice answering, and a supplemental video version in case you’d rather watch than read. If you’d like a copy, you can sign up here, and I’ll email it directly to you — free:

Free How-To-Interview Guide from Ask a Manager

(Full disclosure: In exchange for giving you the whole guide for free, I’ll put you on my email list so that you’re occasionally notified about other resources I create in the future. But you can unsubscribe at any time, including immediately.)

Many thanks to Erica for letting me offer this to you, and good luck to anyone out there who’s dealing with this very difficult job market! (Just remember to say thank you…)

I see this question asked, all the time, all over the internet. And the answers vary wildly, but I need to weigh in. Instead of giving advice about how to do this, or to minimize hurt feelings – I want to talk a little bit about bridesmaids.

The whole tradition of bridesmaids had something to do with having lots of similarly dressed women standing together so that the devil won’t strike down the bride. Or something like that. Of course, it’s evolved a bit since then, but in my opinion – the whole concept can be just as sinister.

The Bridesmaid’s Role

If you go down that route and choose to have bridesmaids, please remember who these women (and sometimes men!) are, or should be. These are the people that got you to the place you are today. They’ve laughed with you over bad dates, and listened to you cry when your heart was broken. They probably remember your first date with your betrothed, and they should be just as happy for you on your wedding day as you are for them. These are your friends. Sometimes they are also your family, but in theory – it’s the people you love, surrounding you as you celebrate love.

Things bridesmaids should not be: Color-coordinated props for pictures, unpaid labor for “DIY” party favors, pincushions for 11 dress fittings or gift-dispensers. Sure, they may do all those things for you, but that’s not their function or goal. That’s not showing them any respect or love. That’s not the way you honor your friendships.

The Implicit Bridesmaid Agreement

When you ask someone to be your bridesmaid, assuming they know anything about you, they probably know what they are getting in for. They know if this is going to be a big affair with designer bridesmaids dresses and destination bachelorette parties, or if this is going to be a small, backyard-style affair. So, in theory – they can just say “no” if they don’t have the time, money or inclination to be in your wedding. Except, how often does it really ever work out like that? The social pressure to say “yes” is just overwhelming. And often, they do want to be there with you, and are honored you asked. And sometimes they have to say yes, to keep family peace. And sometimes people say yes, and have no idea what they are getting into.

Think About Why You Want Them Out

So, for some reason, your bridesmaid isn’t living up to your expectations. They didn’t hold up their end of the agreement. Why? Did you not tell them that you expected four dress fittings, two bridal expos, two nights putting Jordan almonds in tiny bags and some mock-up designs for save the date cards. What about the bridal shower and bachelorette party expenses? And the shoes, hair, makeup and dress they had to purchase.

Let’s say you did tell her all that, and she just … fizzled out. Didn’t show a certain level of enthusiasm, or didn’t show up for the group events. So what? Why are you kicking her out? Didn’t you ask her to stand with you, because she is one of your best friends? Is it really that big of a deal that she didn’t meet your expectations on this? Is there a chance you are treating her like a prop or a tool instead of a cherished best friends? Have you become an insufferable Bridezilla? And what do you expect will happen once she is “out?”

Almost all of the time, kicking out a bridesmaid means the friendship is over. Think about that seriously before you make that decision. Is this something you want to end the friendship over? Because that can be a whole other ballgame.

An exception? Your bridesmaid cannot meet the financial obligations of your wedding, and you are not willing or able to cover her costs. You should be gracious about this. You may be able to do this with some class and dignity for both of you, and remain great friends. Consider another role within your wedding that would make your great friend feel cherished.

In short – there really aren’t too many nice, polite ways to tell someone you no longer consider them special, and don’t want them to have an important role in your wedding. So, think about it carefully, and consider the ramifications. Also consider your role in the relationship. If you think that your situation has extenuating circumstances, or you want more specific help, please email me!

photo credit: jenny downing

There’s lots of excitement here at You Should Only Know. In the past few weeks, I’ve re-launched the site as a “Guide to Modern Manners and Sticky Situations.” It’s still me, and still the same writing style, but now instead of posts complaining about my grandma, it will be posts with suggestions on what gifts are appropriate to give to the wonderful people at the rehab center who have just caught your grandma trying to escape, claiming to be FBI.

Welcome Ebates Customers!

Why am I explaining all of this again? Because hopefully, we have lots of new people reading the site today. I was honored to write a guest post for Ebates.com (a company I love, and wrote about my experience some time ago).

It was edited a bit, but I wanted to note that the post was inspired by my long-suffering boyfriend, Frank.

Frank is one of those great guys who carries maps, knows at least 15 kinds of edible wild plants in the area and how to safely tie things on to our roof rack. He’s pretty much MacGyver. His dirty secret? He loves bags. Not man-purses, but real “man” bags. They are usually waterproof, with pockets for all sorts of things. And he keeps them stocked. It doesn’t matter if the zombies finally rise, or if there’s a flash flood. Frank can grab one of his bags and lead us to safety. I admire this in a person.

In honor of Frank, I have prepared my own list of emergency items, practically guaranteed to get you out of a myriad of sticky social situations and climb out of etiquette breech. Please be sure to check out my Sticky Situations Emergency Kit on Ebates.com!

I hope the savvy shoppers at Ebates will stay awhile and subscribe to my feed, or ask a question about a gift-giving, fashion or social situation of their own. You can ask me a question by email, or leaving a comment.

Snazzin’ the Place Up

If you are reading this on your RSS reader, please click on over! In honor of the re-launch, I redesigned YouShouldOnlyKnow.com. I’d love your feedback on the new design, and if there are any features that you would like to see.

And if you like me here, don’t forget to like me on Facebook! It’s nice to put faces to names, and I’ll be putting up some questions there that don’t quite make it to the site.

Flummoxed Over Hat Etiquette

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal addresses the fedora-trend and how hipsters are bucking against the old guard of etiquette. “Why should I have to remove my hat indoors?” and “Who cares?” Both questions are worth asking, I think. Etiquette without basis just becomes random arbitrary rules, and it defeats the purpose of the guidelines in the first place.

The original reason for having to remove your hat while indoors has to do with knights and chivalry, and getting a lance in the eye or something. Also, something about women needing men to be bareheaded? I don’t know. Sounds pretty outdated to me.  But, before you go running out to nice restaurants and grandma’s house, with your favorite chapeau, saying “But Erica from You Should Only Know said it’s old news!” – I think there is still a reason to remove your hat indoors. Sometimes.

Why? Well, I guess partially because some people still think its rude. Reflexively. But more of it is because – it’s sometimes hard to see a hat-wearer’s face and eyes when you are speaking to them.

I’m admittedly not the most fashion-forward dresser, and I prefer my clothing to be more functional than fancy, so to me? Wearing a hat while indoors serves zero purpose (as it’s certainly not protecting your skin or hair from the sun) and it just seems … affected.

Hat Advice from A Fashion Expert

Because I am admittedly, not an expert on fashion, I found someone who is. Keren Form is the Design Director at Hyp Hats, a design company in NYC. She is very, very excited about hats coming back in fashion. She’s been waiting for this for awhile (Hey, it takes all kinds!). As someone who respects the whole “hat as part of a ‘look’ thing” she offered the following Erica-approved tips and guidelines on hat wearing (this applies to both men and women. Equality, people.)

Keren says: “ I believe that a hat such as a fedora worn in a “dressy” sense should be acceptable indoors, unless better accommodations are provided, such as hat racks, etc” (Ed note: This means if there is a hat rack, it means your host wants you to remove your hat. Comply. You are a guest.)

Keren is a firm believer in removing your hat for eating dinner. There are always exceptions – McDonald’s and fast food? Leave your hat on, its fine. But if you needed a reservation, don’t need a key for the bathroom or the napkins aren’t placed in a dispenser? Remove your hat. Especially if you are involved in a conversation with someone. Eye contact!

What should be made clear, is that these are rules for hats that go with your outfit. Hats that say “I took pride in what I am wearing, and thought out my accessory choices.” A fedora can add a bit of class to your outfit – it shows you thought about how you were presenting yourself.  Baseball caps? According to Keren (and this is a direct quote!) “I think a baseball cap is a sloppy head covering. It’s ripped jeans for your head.”

I told you, she is brilliant.

Of course, I am not even going to mention that wearing a hat while in a theater or establishment where someone has to view something from behind you should be punishable by toilet-swirlies.

And because what would a post about hats be without pictures of people wearing hats, I present to you – “Pictures of People Wearing Hats”

This is a hat "do." It matches the outfit, there are accessories, and he is outdoors. Nice job, hat-wearer!

I don't care what this man wears. A do. Always a do.

I love this woman's sheer joy in her hat. But ... no.

This is wrong. For so many reasons, I can't even count. He doesn't even get a black bar over his eyes. For shame!

This woman knows how to do a hat. Or her stylist does. Whatever.

How could I not share this?

What do you think? Do you have other rules for hat wearing?

I’m a trained anthropologist. And the thing about anthropology, is that it’s a science of aggregates. You learn about what the norms are, and the averages.  You don’t get a good look at the individual, because you never know how well the individual represents the whole cohort. And then – you have advice columns.

Dear Abby is quintessential Americana, right? She (and her team) have been giving out advice on etiquette, pamphlets on manners for ages. She’s a household name. So, I have to assume that she chooses letters that have wide appeal, or that she sees often, or that most of America would be interested in hearing about. And I know – I’m different. I’m a hardcore NYC-bred liberal atheist Jew.  So, I get I’m not the cross-section of all of America (and really, who is?) but a recent Abby column just … blew me away. In  just one column, we had these two questions:

When I went to visit my mother, I found her lying on the kitchen floor. I asked her what she was doing there, and she said the floor feels cold and hard and soothes her back.

Abby, my mother has two very expensive beds in her home, and there is no reason for her to lie on the floor. It could be embarrassing if a friend or neighbor should pop in and find her there. How do I get her off the floor?

And, when you are done pondering that one:

We have an ongoing discussion in our office. What color ink is proper for signing birthday cards, sympathy cards, farewell cards, etc.?

One co-worker continues to use colors other than blue or black. An older co-worker says it’s inappropriate to use any other colors. I have searched for an answer to this question with no luck. Can you help?

Seriously. To her credit, “Abby” was similarly thrown a curve by these two idiots. But I just have to wonder – am I so far removed from … everyone else that my first thought was “Wait! People just walk into this woman’s house!?” and then “Seriously? She’s worried about being embarrassed? Who raised this woman? The mom on the floor? Who cares?”

Where are these tiny towns that gossip about Ethel lying on the floor for her bad back? Is Daughter Dearest worried that the neighbors will think mom is nuts, or that her daughter isn’t buying her mom proper back support tools? Do any of you out there on the internet live in one of these towns?

And the color pen? Seriously? That’s what people think etiquette and manners is all about? Bickering over pen color? I am hoping against hope that this is one of those silly office arguments and some goofball says “Let’s ask Dear Abby.” But … after hearing some horror stories about where people work,  I just. don’t. know. This beyond being a yenta, right?

Tell me, do you live in a town like this? Work in an office like this? Am I that out of touch?

(Before the hate mail rolls in – I am in no way saying that all small towns are like this. I like small towns. I can’t even believe any small towns are like this. That is the fundamental question. )

Hi! This is the first post of the relaunch of YouShouldOnlyKnow. After some quick market research at BlogHer10 and a positive reception – TADA! Here we are. Design update to follow (as soon as I find a designer who is fabulous, works for cheap and can understand my incredibly vague directions.)

So, what is this blog about now?

The tagline is “The Guide to Modern Manners and Sticky Situations.” You can read more about it in the spiffy “About” page, but it was borne out of the idea that somewhere along the way, manners and etiquette started seeming stuffy. And then there’s this whole giant entitlement thing that gobbled up some of us. Like, did you know some people didn’t even know “walk on the right” is what you are supposed to do?

So, some of it is me ranting about thank you notes, and walking on the right, and not texting and driving. And some of it is me answering all the questions that my friends ask me in real life, but … on the internet.

Questions like:

• “What do I bring for when meeting my boyfriend’s parents when it’s also his sister’s birthday and his parents don’t drink?”
• “My friend just got a job that’s way over her head and she keeps asking me for help. I can’t do two jobs!”
• “Am I supposed to brush my teeth before going to the dentist?”
• “How do I keep from murdering my friends because they insist on an engagement party, a bridal shower, a lingerie shower, a rehearsal dinner, an envelope stuffing party, a photo viewing party and a makeup trial. And then a cash bar.”

Etiquette? Really?

Etiquette isn’t just about what fork you should eat with, or white shoes after Labor Day. What it’s really about is guidelines, so we know how to do the right thing. And what’s the right thing? It’s the thing that makes people comfortable. Etiquette and manners should never be invoked to make people feel uncomfortable, or out of place. The point is to know what to do so that the playing field is level. But there’s no bible (though Emily Post comes close) – and no one source or tome could cover all the random situations we come across – so, you have to be flexible. And sometimes you need a little help. But essentially, it’s about doing the right thing. Keep that in mind, and “don’t be a jerk” and you should be fine. And if you are being a jerk, I’ll tell you!

So, welcome! And if you have a question of your own – please, ask away. e-mail , twitter – whatever is easiest.

P.S.  To My Loyal, Wonderful Regular Readers. And Mishpocheh:
Fear not. While I understand some of you may not be interested in this new direction, I can promise you that I would not dare you leave you without stories about my crazy family. Except now the stories will be framed as “How To Handle It When It’s Your Insane Relative Screaming Obscenities at Nurses in the Rehab Center.”

See? I wouldn’t forget you.